Verde Smoke

[Week 3 03/05/08]: He hesitated, then asked me why I was there. After thirty straight minutes of almost continuous talking about himself, in my last one-on-one of the day, this 22 year old lifelong Lawrence resident, father, and would be jack-of-all-trades, looked straight in my eyes and turned the tables on me completely.

I’d interacted with this particular youth several times in the larger group, mostly because my original relationship-building tactic focused on getting the youth’s attention through the staff of YouthBuild. I admired both the grand ambitions (take 20 rowdy school dropouts, usually court involved, and provide GED assistance and hands-on construction skills) and the team-work relational style of the organization. Regular group activities are their lifeblood, equally at meals and basketball games and in carpentry projects. Many of the staff, like my cohort Mike, are former members themselves and their commitment to both the program is evident in both the jokes and the reprimands. I assumed I could borrow a bit of Mike’s social capital with this group, to get their commitment to the idea that we could actually change something in Lawrence.

To their dismay (and my own at first), I decided to focus on doing some one-on-ones first this week as a new relationship building strategy. I was feeling a bit stuck by trying to fit into the staff’s schedule and manage learning everyone’s names and details in big overwhelming interactions. But now I realize I was leaning a bit on the crutch of my own familiar role as a group facilitator and youth instructor, at a comfortable distance and staying pretty shallow.

So Mike talked it over with the youth and identified nine of them as the most interested in working with me. I scheduled some times and he gave me a room. Six meetings full of listening and holding back my urges to crack jokes later, I’m speechless in front of this member.

This kid stuck out in the group meetings, because he had something to say for every topic. Yet, in the confines of our one-on-one, he changed. He still fully answered my probing and purposeful questions but did it all glancing out the window and down at the floor. Even when I put down my notebook and leaned forward, he was almost preaching about the state of himself and Lawrence, but it was as if we weren’t alone in the room together. I’d definitely grabbed his interest and attention and explored some topics around the state of the Lawrence community.

But when I moved to more of an exchange, and asked if he had any questions for me, the interaction got much deeper. He wanted to know why I didn’t choose to make money or do work that was more for myself. Although he self identified as a person that wanted to give back and help others, he said doing organizing and community development as a job was “way too hard.” He asked me what I did for myself and why I was there. And because I stumbled, not knowing how to answer, my vulnerability changed the relationship from teacher/student to comrades in the quest to figure out our place in the world. We committed to keep both thinking about this and one thing we can focus on to change the environment of Lawrence before the meeting on Friday.

And while our relationships are tender and new as this point, I’m energized by the one-on-one’s in a way I didn’t expect. My first instinct was to go straight to planning and milestones, but I was about to jump into the pool without any solid social connections to these youth to float upon.